


The Beat of the Drums

by Maharetchan



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Conversations, M/M, Miscommunication, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-02
Updated: 2013-03-02
Packaged: 2017-12-04 01:22:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/704870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maharetchan/pseuds/Maharetchan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lucifer wants Sam to trust him. Sam doesn't know if he can do that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Beat of the Drums

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. This was inspited by [this fanart](http://i-see-light.tumblr.com/post/33705651962/how-many-desolate-creatures-on-the-earth-have) by [i-see-light](http://i-see-light.tumblr.com/). There was supposed to be porn, but then it didn't happen. I'm sorry. Maybe next time.  
> 2\. This ship will be the dead of me, could be the beginning of a series, I still don't know for sure. ^^  
> 3\. My first language is not English and I don't have an English beta reader. So please excuse the grammar mistakes that you'll probably find.  
> 4\. I love comments!

"I am a star out of molten metal!  
I am a star!  
Everything becomes ash in my embrace,  
A star, even though no white-hot fire  
Could ever melt the ice inside me..."  
 **Subway to Sally - Feuerkind**

 

Sam's body feels on fire, shoots of pain blooming in every single one of his muscles every time he moves, breaths, thinks.

His right arm is covered by a thick layer of bandages, but that, apparently, is not enough because the blood is already creeping under the white cotton, tainting it and making him groan in annoyance; his neck is all sore where the werewolf grabbed and tried to choke him, making swallowing and imagining the big hand-shaped bruises he'll have there tomorrow a nightmare.

He's used to be bloody and wounded after so many years on the road, has become so accustomed to pain that it's not a big deal anymore, even though that does nothing to make the pain more bearable.

And sometimes, Sam can't help but wonder why he keeps doing it, can't help but wonder what madness keeps dragging him and Dean back into this life no matter how crazy and borderline suicidal it seems to be.

Why he keeps risking his life for perfect strangers almost every damn day.  
There's no real good answer to that of course: they do it for so many reasons he doesn't even try to put them on a list, not now at least, can't possibly to it now that all his efforts are focused on getting on the bed without falling or bumping into something.

He can still see Dean's face in his mind, his frowny, angry and worried look while he was patching him as good as he could, with Cas hanging on his shoulder and staring at both of them like a mother with her children.

He was in too much pain to listen to the usual speech his brother gives him every time he gets hurt really bad and thanked Cas with a soft smile when the angel managed to drag Dean out of his room to let him rest.

Sam reaches the bed finally and lays on it with just a pair of sweatpants on, burying himself under the covers and closing his eyes, finally relaxing as much as he the pain allows him to.  
The batcave is incredibly quiet and nothing seems to move: sometimes it feels like there's no one else there but him and it's a thought that he just cannot shake away, even thought he perfectly knows that Dean and Cas are in their room just a couple of doors away.

The thought creeps in his mind and doesn't seem to have any intention of leaving, haunts his mind until, normally, he'd get up and go check on them, feeling relieved only after that.  
But right now he has no strength for it so he just lays there and waits for the sleep to come.

The painkillers are just starting to kick in, making him feel pleasantly light headed, and finally about to grant him a much needed rest, when he realizes he's not alone in the room.

Lucifer is standing against the closed door, staring at him with those pale and piercing eyes that always make him feel naked and exposed.  
Sam takes a deep breath and regrets it right away, because his ribs protest painfully and make muffled moan escape his lips.

He hears Lucifer inhale deeply and coming closer to him, until he's sitting on the bed next to him, his shape weirdly illuminated by the warm and orange light on his bedside; Sam manages to sit down with a huge effort.

“What have you done to yourself?”

Lucifer's hand holds his face still, fingers cold against his skin in a way that makes him shiver and close his eyes for a moment, almost makes him want to give in to that touch, before his brain recovers and catches up, reminding him that he cannot let him do that.  
Because his voice has an annoyed and almost commanding tone that makes him aware of the subtle dangers hiding behind it.  
So he turns his face away from him and the hand is gone.

“Nothing. It's not like I wanted to end up like this or something, you know? It's my job, shit like this happens.”

Lucifer takes a deep breath and keeps staring at him even thought Sam is not: they're not touching but he can feel those eyes scanning his body, his injuries, can almost taste the judgment and the bottled rage that seems to generate.

“Where were you, by the way?”

“I was occupied elsewhere.”

Sam exhales, tired and frustrated.

“Sometimes I wonder what you do and where you go when you're not here... but, on a second thought, I don't wanna know.”

He feels about to fall asleep, but the presence next to him, somehow, keeps his mind awake and vigil, because there's still so much mistrust between him and Lucifer, unspoken things that just cannot be resolved easily and that hang there because they still have no idea how to talk about them.

For a while, no one speaks and the silence fills the room again.

“You're in pain.”

“Wow, you're so perspective.”

The Devil doesn't even bother replying and Sam closes his eyes again, massaging them with his fingers.

“Look, it's always good to know you're not... I don't know, dead somewhere or off to destroy the planet, but I'm really tired. Can we have whatever conversation you want to have tomorrow, please? I don't think I can focus on anything right now...”

Lucifer's hand is suddenly on his shoulder and Sam is startled by that touch against his naked skin, but doesn't move away from it, stays perfectly still and waits.  
The Devil's eyes are so focused on his, like they're trying to pierce his body with their almost brutal gaze.

“You are frail.”

His voice is low, borderline dangerous, like's stating a fact that he has an hard time accepting; Sam finally looks back at him but doesn't say anything.

“You're mortal and frail, so easy to break. Every blow could be fatal, every day could be the last for you.”

Sam has an hard time swallowing and the weight of Lucifer's eyes is so heavy he can't even look away.

“Yeah. It's what it means to be human...”

Lucifer grabs his shoulder harder and Sam twitches, trying to get away from it, but he's not strong enough even to move without feeling stabs of pain all over his body.

“I could fix you, take the pain away, heal your wounds...”

“No. Don't. Don't even think about it. Let go.”

Sam makes a terrible effort and grabs his wrist, trying to push Lucifer away, receiving in return an harsh look and a muffled and angry groan; but he still let's go, removing his hand and getting up, away from him like he's afraid of what he could do if he let his control slip away.

“You're stubborn. Stubborn and stupid. Why would you prefer the pain to...”

“You know why. I appreciate your help when it comes to a case, we all do, you know that. But I don't want anything to do with your powers. Never.”

“Your brother lets Castiel heal him.”

“I'm not Dean and you're not Cas. Look, it's not the first time I'm hurt and it won't be the last. I don't why you're making such a big deal of it now.”

Lucifer's face for a moment is a mask of rage, his fist clenched, his jaw tight, but after a moment he inhales deeply, eyes closed, back in control of himself; Sam relaxes again, feeling his whole body heavy, dulled by the pills, but still too present and real.

He wants to sleep, to rest and forget this conversation, that this moment is even happening.  
It's exhausting, fighting with Lucifer, never gets them anyhere and makes everything more and more complicated every time: things are already hard enough as they are, Sam doesn't know what need the Archangel has of making everything worse.

Too caught up in his thoughts, he realizes Lucifer is close to him again only when the Devil puts an hand around his throat, making him moan in pain while his hunter's instincts kick in and he tries to fight even thought he knows he has no way of winning against him, not even in his best shape and certainly not like this.

Lucifer's face is a few inches away from his, breathing almost on his lips, emotions passing quickly life clouds in his eyes and Sam, for a moment, is completely paralyzed, by fear, surprise or something else, he doesn't know.

“I could make you, you know that. I could... break and hurt you to the point where you'll be begging me to heal you. Where you'll accept anything from me.”

His hands leaves his neck and goes to grab his face again and Sam tries to push it away, refuses to stop fighting even though he knows he has no chance of winning.  
They look at each other for a moment and he can imagine the look in his eyes, the fire that must burn in them, opposed to the cold and calculating look that now Lucifer has in his.

“But that would not solve anything.”

Lucifer looks away from him, his voice a soft and almost sad whisper, and closes his eyes for one, long moment and then suddenly he's gone, leaving him Sam alone in the room, breathing hard and confused, with a painful weight in his chest.

He looks around even though he knows the Archangel is gone and doesn't know if he feels relieved or not about it: because he doesn't know what Lucifer could do in the state he was in, what a powerful and absolute being like him could do if angry enough and left on his own.

But he's too tired to think about it and after he calms down and goes back to laying down on the bed, he quickly falls asleep.

 

“He was here last night.”

There's both a question and an affirmation in Cas' voice, when he goes to sit next to him on the couch: he's wearing Dean's clothes, again, has been doing that more and more since he started living in the batcave with them.

Sam can't help but smile at that, at the way those clothes make him look human and familiar to him in a way that makes him happy, because it's right.  
Cas is supposed to be there with them, a part of their family, quietly at Dean's side, with stolen glances, shy and fast touches and kisses passing between them when they think he cannot see.

“Yeah. He was.”

The angel nods and Sam takes a deep breath.

“We... it didn't go very well. As usual. It was... not pretty.”

“Did he offer to heal you again?”

Sam shrugs and then nods, moving slightly to be more comfortable: his body is still in terrible pain, but he tries not to show it too much, because he really doesn't want Dean to worry.

And because thinking about it makes it worse so he just tries to take him mind away and distract himself in any way he can find.

“I understand your point of view, Sam. If I were you, I'd probably do the same.”

“But?”

Castiel smiles at him.

“But you have to understand. We are not good at coping with mortality. Lucifer even less than the rest of us. He was the second angel to be created, mortality and humanity are concepts he still has troubles to accept. You humans are feeble compared to us, there one moment and gone the next one. And getting attached to you... it never ends well, it brings much pain.”

Sam stares at Cas, at the way his face saddens when he talks about it, about the fact that they'll die eventually and that he'll mostly likely live on, with the burdens of their memories with him as his only companion, haunting him.

“This doesn't mean you should let him do what he proposes, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, you should trust your instinct. But it's not easy, living with the knowledge that the time we have to spend with you is so limited, that you could die and get hurt so easily. Sometimes we just want to try to ease some of the pain you feel, we just want to make things better and easier.”

“And what of your pain?”

Cas' expression is sad, but he forces himself to smile to him, maybe to reassure him or to make him feel less bad for asking.  
Because Sam knows it must not be easy for him to put into words feelings that are so big and hard to handle, when he's still new at this, at being close to people, at having feelings.

“I'm afraid not much can be done about that. But this is the life I've chosen, I knew what I was getting myself into when I made my decision. I've accepted it.”

They both fall silent after that, but Sam keeps thinking about it.

“It's just... there are thing I cannot let him do. For my only sanity. I can't let his powers touch me. It'll bring back too many memories.” 

Cas nods and sighs: when he looks at him, Sam can feel the guilt and the regret in his eyes, knows that he still blames himself what breaking his wall and letting the memories of hell coming back.

He wishes he could say something to make things better, to ease the burden on Castiel's shoulders, but in the end, no words come out.

And he just feels lost and alone.

 

Sam is still too weak and his arm still not in the right shape to go hunting, so Dean and Cas take off without him, leaving him alone in the batcave, brooding and moody.

He put on a reassuring smile to convince Dean to go, but it feels so weird to be there all alone: the place is too quiet, too big and, even though he could be reading some of the books in the library, he finds himself bored.

Everything seems to upset him, from the lack of food in the fridge to the stupid shows on tv and he just wishes he had somebody to hang out with: but when Dean calls him, after a couple of days to tell him that he and Cas are going to stay away a while longer to “check a few things”, meaning they just wanna spend some time alone, he doesn't pressure them to come back.

They deserve their space after all.

He hasn't see Lucifer in more than a week, when one day, coming back from groceries shopping, he finds him sitting on the couch, flipping through the tv channels with an unreadable expression on his face.

Sam doesn't know what's more shocking: that the Archangel is back or that he's watching tv.

“How can you humans even watch this? I don't understand why you do this to your brains. I'm amazed they don't just... explode from the amount of horror they have to withstand.”

Lucifer doesn't even look at him, keeps his eyes on the screen even when Sam comes closer and sits next to him.

“Not everything is that bad. But, honestly, I'm surprised you even know how to use a tv...”

“Castiel showed it to me, he thought it might help me understand this world better. He's very fond of it.”

Sam can't help but laughing at that.

“Yeah, he loves watching it with Dean.”

Lucifer makes a face.

“Just when I thought my opinion of him couldn't get any lower...”

He turns the thing off and silence fills the room, making everything suddenly tense and awkward. Lucifer looks at him, his face completely emotionless, but with something in his eyes that tell him that he's just waiting for him to make the first move.

“Where have you been?”

“Around.”

“What does 'around' mean?”

“I didn't know I had to justify my whereabouts to you, Sam.” 

Sam takes a deep breath and tries to hold back the snarky reply that his brain just pictured, because honestly he has no strength for another fight that will end as badly as the previous one.

“Fine, don't tell me. I don't care anyway.”

Lucifer inhales deeply and lowers his gaze, curling his hands into fists and then letting the air out slowly, trying to relax and calm down: Sam sometimes just wishes he could trust him like he trusts Cas, that he could just forget the past and move on, but he can't.

Because sometimes when he closes his eyes he remembers hell, he remembers the hallucinations that almost drove him insane and he just cannot bring himself to stop picturing Lucifer like that, the cruel and merciless torturer that enjoyed his pain more than anything.  
And reminding himself that the hallucinations weren't really him, doesn't help at all.

But then there are times when he really, really thinks that it could just be that easy to do it, to trust him: when Lucifer appears suddenly to help them and Sam doesn't even have to call for him, it's like he knows instinctively when he's needed.

Or when, after they hunt, he stays with them for a while longer than usual and in those moment, when the adrenaline is still running high in his veins, Sam can see glimpses of what Lucifer used to be, the powerful Archangel, the fighter of God and it seems to be so easy to just give in and believe in him, to welcome him in his life ,like he did with Cas.

There's something they have never talked about, something that Sam likes to pretend never happened, but it did and the thought is poking at his brain, asking to be finally freed and let out, but he resists and pushes it back.

They had managed to eradicate a nest of vampires that was plaguing a city in Ohio and to make it out of it mostly unharmed, probably because Lucifer had just blasted his wrath upon them killing the majority instantly.

Dean and Cas were God knew where, probably having sex or something and Sam was in the main room with Lucifer: he was drunk and didn't care at all, he felt good, too good to think about... well, everything.

Lucifer was looking at him, staring at his red and heated face, with something that resembled a smile on his lips.

“What does it feel like? Being intoxicated.”

“Why don't you try to discover it yourself?!”

He smiled, for real this time: it was weird, but Sam was like enchanted by how his face changed when he did that, like he was someone else for a moment, before going back at being Satan.

“I don't think there's enough alcohol on this planet to make something as powerful as I am intoxicated.”

“Oh. Right... well... I don't know! It feels like... you don't have to worry about anything. And it's good... even if it doesn't last long.”

Lucifer didn't say anything for a long time and Sam could feel his eyes heavy and tired with sleep.

“There's something fascinating about you, Sam... I don't know what, but there is.”

They were so close, their knees touching, Sam feeling the Archangel's body pressing against his side and when he turned to face him, he saw that he was smiling again.

And then Lucifer was suddenly kissing him: not a gentle kiss, but a hard one, his mouth pressing angry and desperate against his, forcing him to open it, making him moan.  
It lasted only a moment, because Lucifer pulled back as suddenly as he had started kissing him, but Sam could still feel him, his mouth against his, the feeling of it and it made his head spin.

Then Lucifer was gone, the room empty.

They never talked about it: Sam pretended not to remember anything about that night and Lucifer never brought it up.

But now the thought comes back and Sam doesn't know how to deal with so many emotions all together.

“I don't think you understand why I get so angry at you when you refuse my help.”

He turns to face him, but Lucifer is staring at the empty screen.

“Because I'm mortal, frail and flawed and you just want to make things easier for me? To fix me when I'm hurt? Cas told me, don't look at me like that.”

Lucifer rolls his eyes.

“That's not the only reason. But... yes. That is not far from the truth.”

“And what's the other reason?”

He doesn't reply and Sam fears that the conversation is over, that he's just going to disappear on him like he always does, but Lucifer stays there, still and silent, almost statue-like and he feels so uncomfortable, he just wants him to keep talking, wants to get over this once and for all now that they have the chance.

“I care about you. I really do. Because you were made for me, Sam, and I feel that is my responsibility to keep you safe. You were supposed to have what I have, to have my powers at your disposal. And since you refused that, since you're still frail and mortal, I just... want you to, at least, accept the help I can offer.”

Sam doesn't know what to say for a long moment, stares at Lucifer wide eyed and confused, because of all the answers he imagined, this is by fast the most incredible one.

“So you didn't just... want me as a vessel?”

“I wanted you to share my point of view, I wanted you to say yes to me because you agreed with me. But I was mistaken, it was stupid of me to think that of you. I thought we were the same, but we are not. I understand that now. Doesn't mean I simply stopped caring about you. Maybe made me care even more.”

“And why is that?”

Lucifer finally looks at him and is smiling when he does.

“Do you have any idea how long it had been since someone fought me as hard as you did? You were like fire, a star of molten metal to my eyes... I respected you for that, even if it was infuriating and maddening...”

Sam laughs softly and for a moment they look at each other and they understand the other, know what is inside their hearts, how hard it is to move on from the past, but that they both are willing to try it.

“I... I don't know if I'll be ever able to get over what happened, to trust you... to accept the type of help you want to give me. But... but I appreciate the fact that you stick around, that you come hunting with us when you feel like... I really do.”

“I believe you. And I guess nothing can be done about the rest for now.”

“Yeah... I guess. Are you going to leave now?”

Lucifer looks surprised by the question.

“Do you want me to?”

Sam shakes his head right away.

“Then I won't. For the moment. Maybe you can turn that evil machine back on and we can try to find something to watch that will not murder too many of your brain cells.”

He can't help but laugh out loud at that and Lucifer looks extremely pleased with himself.

“I can't believe you just made a joke.”

“I'm offended, Sam, I was actually one of the funniest angels of Heaven.”

“You kidding me?”

Lucifer just smiles.

“Turn the tv on, Sam.”


End file.
